There is this realization that dawned on me for quite sometime now:

I’m not doing okay

I’m not 100%. 

Which led me to think: What is “Okay”? What is my “100%”?I had no answer to that.

Will I ever feel “OK”, or regain my “100%”? 

I had no answer to that, either.

However, I’m okay not being “okay”.

A lot of my plans foiled, my hopes were shattered and I was left utterly disappointed.  There weren’t many options left.

I don’t know another way but to push forward. There is no romanticizing it.

Life isn’t a fairy tale

It struck me at a rare moment of clarity.. I might not be “happily ever after”. That those fairy tale endings might not be for me. What startles me is that I accept that realization much easier than I thought. 
I’m unsure about a lot of things lately. I always thought of myself as a person who knew what he wanted exactly, down to a pinpoint accuracy. Not anymore that is! I accept that as well and do very little to change it.

The art of muddling through

I found myself muddling through a lot of challenges and obstacles. The end result is not pretty and no where near perfect. And I accept that as well. 

To a former self proclaimed perfectionist this is a serious problem. These two methods are contradictory and don’t work well with each other. Yet they are coexisting and happening side by side in my life.

Constant improvement

I strive to make myself a better person everyday, inching towards my goals and perfecting my methods, so when I notice things that contradict my core values. I need to stop for a while and mull things over in hope of finding a suitable answer.

I don’t have an answer to these questions at the time of this writing.

An identity crisis

The scariest question of all is: What’s left of me to be me? I’ve thought of this before and find that the damage has been done already, I’m not who I was before and chances are, I’ll never be that person ever again.

And you probably guess what I’m going to say here as well..

The path

The path, does it choose you? Do you choose the path? Again with philosophical dilemmas. I realize that my path had nothing but struggles, and I’ve muddled my way through as well as I could. I don’t know another way to go by, it seems like it’s the only thing I know how to do.

Old habits die hard

Even if I had another way to go I’d probably choose the rough path just to prove I’m worthy. Or to push myself even further and defy the status – quo. 

It’s a rough treacherous path, the path of the nomad, the path of the warrior.

Sad realization

I realized also that it’s not easy being with me, I tend to like my space and hate being controlled, I also get myself into weird situations and sometimes don’t fix them properly until they explode! 
And I can drop everything at a moment’s notice and ride into the sunset. 

It’s probably not too late to turn the situation around and start fresh, right?

Well, it’s not as simple as it sounds..

What if I’m content with this path of adventure? I might not be ready to get off the roller coaster just yet. It’s probably not fair to ask for something I can’t give, which is certainty..

I pray for more clarity and a sense of belonging soon enough. This whole thing is starting to drive me insane.